Unholy Matrimony
by Agas Spenjahgra VII
Summary: Rhen's wedding is not like anything she could have possibly imagined. I'm not even going to pretend this is in any way serious, especially when the wedding is held in Rashnu's cathedral and the priest is Aesma. Agas/Rhen crack pairing.


This is supposed to be part of _If you're my King, I will be your Queen_. The scene that actually got the story going to begin with, in fact. However, judging from the way the story is going, it seems that the cracky wedding scene no longer fits. It's just... jarring. It's a big crack. Filled with crack. And written for crack. I... I don't know anymore. I'm just getting this out of the way first and see what happens. I might put it back into the main story (it's a one-shot that grew legs and started running all over the place) if it looks okay, but for now it's a stand-alone piece.

Unholy Matrimony

In Clearwater, weddings were something that the whole village would celebrate. It was like an all-white verision of the spring festival, really. White flowers and white ribbons decorate a white tent where the bride and groom, both wearing white, would sit and enjoy the festivities. Rhen had always expected nothing more or less than that for her own wedding.

In Thais, anyone could just waltz into the church and be married _just like that_. The whole thing hardly took ten minutes to finish. Although she was irked that it made weddings seem like such an insignificant matter, Rhen rather liked the idea of getting married in her swordsinger outfit instead of a dress. It showed her true personality.

She did not want to think what her wedding would have been like as the heir to the Thais throne, but she was certain it would involve wearing lots and lots of jewellery and frills. The mere thought of it made her want to forget marriage and become a hermit.

Her actual wedding was nothing she could have imagined it to be. After all, she would never have expected that she would be marrying a demon in a cathedral in a vampire village, with a 10-feet tall monstrous beast reciting their vows and a skeletal demon playing a pipe organ as accompaniment. If someone had told her that this would happen a few months ago, she would have beaten them senseless, then maybe Boot Slappin Mara them just for a good measure.

So there she was, standing nervously beside Agas in Ghed'ahre's cathedral in front of a makeshift altar made of old crates, while Tawrich plays creepy music in the background. It didn't help that the only other human there was Rashnu. And the fact that Te'jal had dragged a very disgruntled Galahad to the event was even less helpful for Rhen's nerves. Not to mention that she had every reason to doubt that the wedding was actually legitimate, it being performed by demons after all.

"Why are we doing this?" Rhen muttered, "I did _not_ ask for a wedding ceremony. And why can't Rashnu be the "priest" or whatever?" She snuck a glance at Aesma to see if he had heard, but the daeva was too busy scowling at the piece of parchment he held in his paws to notice. Well, at least she assumed he was scowling. Aesma's animal-like features were hard to read.

"Don't ask me, it's all Nanghaithya's doing," Agas whispered back. He too seemed restless, absently tugging at the straps on his gauntlet. "And that druid is no help. He's in on the whole thing."

She sighed. After the bonding ceremony in the Demon Realm was done, she didn't expect to be stuck in Ghed'ahre for what must have been a good few hours or so. It wasn't that she disliked Ghed'ahre, although the place was admittedly rather creepy, but the place was cold and she desperately wanted to get out of there and warm herself.

Suddenly Aesma let out a loud roar, causing all heads to turn to him. Even Tawrich stopped his playing to stare.

"I cannot read the damned text!" Aesma snarled, "And I really don't care about this ceremony at all!" He then crumpled the parchment and proceeded to eat it. Turning to the stunned couple in front of him, the beast-like daeva growled, "I declare you two married, go exchange rings, say mushy words to each other, kiss, make babies, or whatever it is that humans do when they are married. If you dare break up for any reason at all, I will hunt you both down and eat you. Nanghaithya bullied me for days to make me agree to this and I don't want my days of torment to go to waste. I am done."

With that, he promptly stomped out of the hall, all eyes following him. You could have heard a pin drop.

The awkward silenece didn't last long. Zarich, who had been hovering a few feet above the floor, suddenly crumpled into a ball and fell down with a thud, then started rolling on the floor giggling uncontrollably. One by one, the others started laughing too and even Saurva was smiling. Only Galahad remained grumpy, surprise surprise.

"Wow... oh, wow..." Rhen choked out between peals of laughter, "And I don't even know what's so funny."

"Everything.. is ... funny..." Agas gasped. He was clutching the altar for support, and laughing so hard tears were running down his face.

It took them a few minutes before they could finally talk without choking on laughter.

"Is this wedding even for real?" Rhen asked, still giggling slightly.

Agas places his arms around her waist. "Who cares? Whichever way this mess goes, it wouldn't matter," he said with a grin, "But let's just pretend that it is real for now."

Then he leaned forward and kissed her.

Fail writing is fail. I go off into pointless tangents and purple prose and lose track of the main point of the story. Ha!


End file.
